I am sitting here unwinding from a day of hell at work and I am being tugged at by my little rug rat. Daddy play with me she says and daddy being too tired says not right now,maybe latter. Then an hour latter daddy I'm not hungry I want a drink. Eat first says daddy then I will get you a drink. At about an hour latter after hearing her whine and cry and scream and yell she gets her drink and about an hour later she is asleep.
It is about this time when I (daddy) let out a sigh of relief, shes finally sleeping, but about 20 minutes latter I get this horrible feeling a feeling of neglect comes over me all she wanted was to play. A simple bit of attention but I was too lazy to give it, maybe its the screaming and whining that does it or maybe the fact that this is a child who has no concept of what work is or how long you were there and that at that point in time all you want is to be lazy. All she knows is that daddy is home and I want to play and spend time with him .
Whats worse is that look that stare she gives confused as to why you don't want to do anything and no matter how bad she get or how whiny she gets one look into her beautiful eyes and she melts my heart. Attitude of a demon, eyes of an angel and the tears when she doesn't get her way reflect that image of an angel like a mirage does in the hot desert. I feel so bad after the fact. Explaining the feeling is an impossibility, but basically its like I said before its a feeling that I have neglected one of my child's most simple needs, time with her dad, something that doesn't cost a thing and really lets face it how much energy does it take to play dolls and pretend to be something or somewhere, nothing, but still I shrugged it for another day shame on me.
Now she lay here sleeping all peaceful and amazingly beautiful one of the only two things that I ever took any part in creating that turned out perfect My son and my daughter. I watch her sleep counting her every breath hoping she will forgive me for not playing with her and praying for another chance tomorrow. The longer I stare the more I am brought to look at her eyes those beautiful eyes, even though they are now closed all I see is that reflection of an angel.
Sometimes we are all tired and sometimes we all need a break my problem is the frustration of being on the road all day and dealing with some real pieces of work takes its toll on me along with 12 hour days when I get home I'm wound up pretty tight and relaxing is all that's on my mind but at the same time I'm a father and my children need me so every once in a while its OK to take a night off but if you let it become a pattern a daily ritual you will suffer in the end. Those little reflections of angels soon become older and spread their wings and soon they leave and with what? memories of a person they hardly got to know a person they called dad and didn't get any of the benefits of what the title entails. Yes tonight I took the night off but trust in me now as I write this I realize that I'm not going to make habit of this because I want the respect love and the feeling of knowing that I watched them grow,helped them grow,and was there always, tired or not and did everything to earn that respect, trust and love everyday.
All this is owed to that one long look at the reflection of an angel in your eyes.
Hey Kristi...Where Ya Been?
2 months ago